Remember all those rumors you heard about a Sex and the City prequel that you hoped to God weren’t true? They are. Teenaged Carrie is coming to the CW where she will roam both the streets of Manhattan and the halls of her high school while asking pointed questions about sex, love and relationships all while donning outrageous 80s fashion, chit chatting with her friends at her cafeteria lunch table and chain smoking at her typewriter…or whatever.
Sitting in front of my MacBook Pro (that maybe one day I’ll pay off) and staring out the window of my (box-sized, mouse-ridden) Upper East Side studio, I couldn’t help but wonder: WHY CANDACE BUSHNELL WHY?
Here’s the thing. Carrie Bradshaw ruins lives. She hooks you with her witty banter, reels you in with her Manolo Blahniks, and before you know it you have it in your head that YOU can move to New York City, write a weekly column for a newspaper about sex and other musings and get your face splashed all over the side of a bus and a spread in Vogue. I’m here to tell you that will NEVER HAPPEN.
First, a disclaimer. I’ve seen all the episodes. I’ve laughed at Samantha’s sexcapades and rolled my eyes after pretty much everything Miranda says. I really wanted Charlotte and Trey to work and I definitely didn’t want Carrie and Big to work until Carrie ran off to Paris with the Russian and then I was like “YES Mr. Big! Go get our girl!” I saw the first movie and then, for some reason, saw the second movie, and then I thanked Candace Bushnell for the ride and thought, hey, maybe it’s finally time to get on with my life.
And then I moved to New York City.
Let’s break it down, shall we?
First of all, no one moves to the city and suddenly has three amazing girlfriends who they can giggle with over brunch. In fact, for having more than 8 million people crowding the sidewalks and subways, New York is one of the loneliest places maybe ever. You don’t talk to anyone unless you have a specific reason to. You never make eye contact. You don’t meet men at the gym and you don’t have friends who can get you into exclusive downtown restaurants simply by batting their eyelashes. Building meaningful relationships is hard and takes forever and at the end of the day, you’re still not going to have friends who can get you into exclusive downtown restaurants simply by batting their eyelashes. You just won’t.
As for Manhattan real estate? I pay upwards of $1500 a month–A MONTH–to live in a little hole on the Upper East Side. It’s kind of cozy (especially when the heat works) and my super is kind enough to call an exterminator when mice get too outrageous, but it’s not sunny and spacious, I don’t have a walk-in closet and I definitely don’t have matching bedroom furniture. And neither do those hard-earned friends of mine. Your apartment is a joke, Carrie Bradshaw. A joke.
And you know what? So is your job. You know how much you make from freelancing gigs at newspapers these days? Like $0. So go ahead and air out your dirty laundry in a column once a week, but unless you have a secret trust fund NO ONE knows about, I wouldn’t blow it all at one place if I were you, even if that place is Barney’s.
I also think it’s time we cleared the air about Magnolia Bakery, mostly because it’s not that great. Not that anyone would ever be able to find out for themselves unless they’re willing to spend an hour waiting in a line that winds half way down the street ALL THE TIME. You did this, Candace Bushnell. You ruined cupcakes.
And ladies, no matter how many $13 cosmopolitans you’ve had, maybe don’t go sleeping with every man you meet at the bar. There’s classy, and then there’s slutty. Don’t be slutty.
So after years of watching Carrie and the girls skip down Fifth Avenue in their fancy clothes with their fancy men, I’m putting my foot down. I will not be lied to anymore about how glamorous my life can be. I sort of enjoy my penny-scrounging existence at the bottom of the fashion food chain, and if I want to get swept away in some drama aimed at teenagers, that’s what Pretty Little Liars is for. Duh.
So, um, do any of you plan on watching the CW’s forthcoming Carrie Diaries?